Reallities of life

#1
A young Irish girl goes into her priest on Saturday morning for confession.

"Father, forgive me for I have Thinned."

"You've Thinnned?"

"Yes, I went out with me boyfriend Friday night. He held me hand twice, kissed me three times, and made love to me two times."

"Daughter! I want you to go straight home, squeeze seven lemons into a glass, and drink it straight down."

"Will that wash away me Thin?"

"No, but it will get the silly smile off your face."
 
#2
Sue finds a Genie lamp and rubs it. Out comes the Genie and asks
"Master you have released me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes, what would you like"
Sue scratches her head, then answers
"A bottle of Guinness that never gets empty." "Granted master"
retorted the Genie and
produced the bottle. Sue was delighted and got drunk on this one magic Guiness bottle for
weeks then she remembered that she had two other wishes. She rubbed the lamp again and the Genie
appeared.
"Yes master, you have two more wishes, what would you like?"
"You know that magic, never ending Guinness bottle"
she asks the Genies.
"Well, for my final two wishes, I'd like another two
of them"
 
#10
Paddy was picked up on a rape charge. He was placed in a lineup with ten
other fellows and the accusing woman was escorted into the room.
Paddy jumped forward, and screamed "That's her! That's her! Oi'd recognize
her anywhere!"
 
#11
An Engilshman, a Scotsman and an Irishman went into a pub for a pint of Guinness one day. After
being served a fly landed in each of their pints and stuck in the creamy heads.
The Englishman pushed his pint away from him in disgust and proceeded to order another pint.
The Scotsman simply fished the offending fly out with his finger and proceeded to drink his pint as if
nothing had happened.
The Irishman, eyes wide with anger grabbed the fly and held it over his pint shouting "SPIT IT
OUT!!! SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARAD!!!"
 
#12
SHUT UP SHUT UP
3 WOMEN WERE LINED UP TRAIN 4 THE FBI,
AN ENGLISH WOMAN A TURKISH WOMAN AND AN IRISH WOMAN THEY HANDED THE ENGLISH WOMAN A GUN AND SAID WE WANT U 2 KILL UR HASBAND HES TIED UP SITTIN IN THAT ROOM, THE WOMAN TOUGHT ABOUT ABOUT IT AND SAID IM SORRY BUT I CANT DO IT,
THEY THEN TURNED 2 THE TURKISH WOMAN BROUGHT HER 2 A ROOM AND AGAIN SAID THE SAME THING, THE WOMAN CAME OUT OF THE ROOM CRYING AND SAID IM SORRY.... I CANT KILL MY HUSBAND......
THEN IT WAS THE IRISH WOMANS TURN SHE WENT IN THE ROOM 2 HER HUSBAND..... OUT SIDE ALL THEY COULD HEAR IS SCREEMS AND CRYIN... THE IRISH WOMAN CAME OUT AND SAID "THE STUPID GUN DIDNT WORK I HAD 2 BEET HIM 2 DEATH "
 
#18
MY PRAYER......
BEFORE I LAY ME DOWN 2 SLEEP,
I PRAY 4 A MAN WHO IS NOT A CREEP!
ONE WHO IS HANDSOME, SMART & STRONG,
ONE WHOS WILLY IS THICK AND LONG!
ONE WHO WILL MAKE LOVE UNTIL MY BODYS TWITCHEN, IN THE HALL THE LOO THE GARDEN OR KITCHEN!
I PRAY THIS MAN WILL LOVE ME NO END,
AND NEVER ATTEMPT 2 SHAG MY BESTFRIEND.
AND AS I KNEEL AND PRAY BY MY BED,
I LOOK AT THE WANKER U SENT ME INSTEAD!!!!
 
#19
Irishman went to a pet shop and asked how many budgies were in stock. "We have 99" replied the
shop owner "Give us the lot" said the Irish man, paid for them and left. He went to a tailors shop and
had 99 pockets sewn into a jacket, put a budgie in each pocket, went up to the Post Office Tower
and jumped off. He hit the ground with an almighty smack and lay there groaning until a passer-by
came and asked him what had happened. "I don't know sur" he replied "but that's the last time I try
that budgie jumping"