Doggy Dictionary


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BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently

BICYCLE: A two-wheeled exercise machine which humans operate to keep dogs in good shape. They should be chased at high speed while barking loudly until the human falls off, for maximum benefit.

BUMP: The best way to get a human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

DOG BED: Any soft, clean, comfortable surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch. Any Dog Bed may also be used as a towel to wipe your face clean after eating.

DROOL: What you do when a human has food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can, look very sad, and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on the human's lap.

FLOWER BED: A patch of thick vegetation thoughtfully provided by humans to cushion your falls when running and jumping in the yard.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which is put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with papers to shred and many little scraps of food to eat and toys to strew around the yard.

GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use when the regular Bump (see above) does not get the attention you require. For the proper element of surprise, drink some cold water first.

HOUSEBREAKING: A process which humans believe is very important for dogs, so always make sure you break as much of the house as possible.

LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead people where you want them to go.

LOVE: A feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail and lick the human while drooling as much as possible.

NEWSPAPER: An item placed in the front yard for your convenience every morning, so that you may use it as a toilet, and then bring it to your human for disposal.

SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply until your human makes you stop.

THUNDER: This is a sign that the world is coming to an end. Humans so not know this, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, and following them around closely while rolling your eyes, barking and whimpering.

VISITORS: Humans who do not live in your house all the time. When new ones arrive, they should be greeted with a loud bark and a playful leap, to determine whether they are afraid of dogs.

WALK: A traditional activity in which the human takes you to someone ELSE's yard to use as a toilet.

WASTEBASKET: This is an indoor dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers, which humans provide for you to practice for the garbage can (see above).

WATER BOWL: A container provided for you to clean your face and tongue thoroughly before licking your human. The wetter you are, the more the human will know you are clean!


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