a few jokes that made me giggle!!!

#1
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.


Lady 1: What's that?

Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Lady 1: Where did you get it?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she
is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand
she prefers.

"Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.




Once upon a time, there lived a woman who had a maddening passion
for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately, they had
always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.

Then one day she met a man and fell in love.
When it became apparent that they would marry she thought
to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for
this carrying on."
She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work,
since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him
that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she
passed a small diner and the odour of the baked beans was more than
she could stand.

Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk
off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the
diner and before she knew it, she had consumed 3 large orders of baked
beans.

All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt
reasonably sure she could control it.

Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly,
"Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded
her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and
just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the
telephone
rang.
He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He
then went to answer the telephone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the
pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out
of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one
leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a
fertiliser
truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her
napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously.

Then she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which
reminded her of cooked cabbage.
Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes.
When the phone farewells signalled the end of her freedom, she fanned
the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and
folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.

She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned,
apologising for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she
assured him that she had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!!

There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a
" Happy Birthday"!!!



Anger Management

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take
it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know -- take it
out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had
forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying, "Hello."

I politely said, "Could I please speak with Robin Carter?"

Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that
anyone could be so rude. I realized I had called the wrong number. I
tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had accidentally
transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up
with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an a$$hole!"
and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'a$$hole' next to
it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad
day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a$$hole!" It always cheered
me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'a$$hole'
calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi,this is John
Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?"

He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a$$hole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some
guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently
waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for that spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so, I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first a$$hole ( I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW a$$hole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an a$$hole."


Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now,when I
had a problem, I had two a$$holes to call.

But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it
used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called A$$hole #1.


"Hello."

"You're an a$$hole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"A$$hole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my
black Beamer parked in front"

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start
saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a$$hole."



Then I called A$$hole #2.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello, a$$hole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are...!"

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your a$$," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, a$$hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."


Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my
gay lover. Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down
on West 34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th
street.

When
I got there, I saw two a$$holes beating the cr@p out of each other in
front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and the channel 13 news crew.


NOW, I feel better - This is "Anger Management" at its very best.


A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I
have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

He asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the
table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns
to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to
able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes
her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of
tea, and then....." he sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in
the box
 
#7
Hey

Hey Thats A Really Cool Idea The Anger Management Cud Be Used To Get Rid Of A Lot Of Assholes Especially When You Give Your No Out To An Asshole When You Have Your Beer Goggles On

Sue Goes Through Her Phone And Marks All The Wnakers With An Ass Before Their Name . Just Make Sure When Ringing From Your Mobile That You Take Off Your Caller Id Otherwise It Cud Get Dirty



Sue
 

Mella

Administrator
Staff member
Blogger
#8
flynns08 said:
Just Make Sure When Ringing From Your Mobile That You Take Off Your Caller Id Otherwise It Cud Get Dirty
Hahaha Yeah I've forgotten to do that before, and boy did things get dirty. Thank goodness for 141 ;)
 
#9
is it just me or does just putting 141 infront of the number not work anymore? Dont u actually have to turn off caller id sending (on mobiles) now? Or am i just being thick?
 

Mella

Administrator
Staff member
Blogger
#10
You're just being thick :p Only kiddin' chick - it dont work for mobbys coz you still hafta take the stupid caller ID off - it only works on landline phones.
 
#11
lol, it wouldnt suprise me if it had just been me brain not working lol, but nah thought so, i caught meself out good and proper with that one...prank calls just aint the same when they can ring back lol
 
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