Peter Kay Jokes......

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?" He said, "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said, "Baa", I said, "Moo", he said, "You're closest".

You see I'm against hunting; in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".

So I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said, "Those are pickled onions".

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one".

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?"
I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays".

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought, "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. He said, "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".

Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran,
even he's a witch.

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I
said, "Are you two an item?"

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, I thought, "That's a turtle disaster".

Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't
start anything"

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

Dyslexic man walks into a bra

A seal walks into a club...

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
"Pint please, and one for the road."

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to
the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan". Year's later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."


Baska Geliyor!

A guy was travelling through Swansea and noticed a sign outside a house "Talking dog for sale". He thinks what the hell and knocks on the door. The owner says the dog is in the backyard. The guy walks around the back and sees a black labrador sitting on the back porch.

Guy says, "Can you talk?"

Dog replies, "Yep".

"So, what's your story?"

Dog looks up at the guy and says, "Well I discovered I could talk when I was just a pup and I thought I should help the government. I called Tony Blair and next minute they had me jetting around the world sitting in rooms with spies and government leaders, obviously no-one thought a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their best spies for eight years.

Anyways the jetting around the world was pretty tiring and I wasn't getting any younger. I wanted to settle down so I quit Blair and went to work at the airport doing undercover work wandering around suspicious characters and listening in. Caught a lot of drug smugglers and terrorists, got me a bunch of medals.

Met a girl, had a mess of puppies and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

"Ten quid will do."

The guy says, "That dog is incredible! Why are you selling him so cheap?"

"He's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit!"


Staff member
Site Admin
Merlin, you should post that list you just sent me...I am still laughing my head off here.......... :eek:


Staff member
Site Admin

  • Some great questions, brought to you by Peter Kay

    1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
    2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
    3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
    4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?
    5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
    6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
    7. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
    8. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
    9. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
    10. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
    11. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
    12. What do people in China call their good plates?
    13. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
    14. What do you call male ballerinas?
    15. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
    16. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
    17. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
    18. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
    19. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
    20. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?

  • Peter Kays Universal Truths
    1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
    2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
    3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
    4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
    5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.
    6) Everyone reading this who didn't grow up in the 80's will have just have typed 55378008 into a calculator, some might have turned it upside down.
    7) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
    Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
    9) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
    10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
    11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
    12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
    13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
    14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
    15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
    16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
    17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
    1 The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
    19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
    20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
    21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.
    22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
    23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
    24) You never ever run out of salt.
    25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
    26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
    27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
    2 No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
    29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
    30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
    31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.
    32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
    33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
    34) Bricks are horrible to carry.
    35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
    36) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad
Excellent. That gave me a right laugh :D

PS. Watch out for Claire...she's not called "BUSTY" for nothing!! lol
(Sorry Claire, please dont hit me :sweety: )


Super Moderator
Oonie said:
Excellent. That gave me a right laugh :D

PS. Watch out for Claire...she's not called "BUSTY" for nothing!! lol
(Sorry Claire, please dont hit me :sweety: )
BUSTY LE LUSTY to you una!!! :p

Ohh so true!!!!!!!!! :confused: ;)
OMG i absolutely love peter kay!! Best thing since sliced bread!! If only looks came with a sense of humour, i'd be straight round there for a piece, haha!! Thank u girlies :D
Cheers for them!!!!!! That just earned me some of the weirdest looks my dad has ever given me, coz im sat at my computer practically wetting meself!!!! gotta love peter kay!
Fantastic.... oh mi god.... Remember the biscuit joke anybody, where kay compared a Hob Nob to a Rich Tea??

HOB NOB says "Dunk me again". "Dunk me again"
The Rich Teas " Its too hot, its too hot"

If you have no idea then your obviously not having stomach ache laughter like me... People at work looking at me strangely now.